This Ain't Child's Play
by Red Witch
Summary: Things get spooky when the gang discovers a secret locked room at Cheryl's Place.


** The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has taken off somewhere. Just some more madness from my tiny little brain. I may not be a fan of horror films but things do pop into my tiny brain. And if life with the Figgis Agency isn't horrific enough…**

**This Ain't Child's Play **

"Come on guys!" Krieger led Cyril, Pam, Ray, Cheryl and Ron into the basement of Cheryl's mansion. "You gotta **see** this!"

"A basement?" Pam asked. "I've seen these before."

"Man, there's a lot of junk in here," Ron looked around. "Is that a sloth skeleton?"

"I believe it is," Ray blinked. "Right next to that creepy totem pole."

"Not **that,**" Krieger said. "I was exploring down here when I found something!"

"Whatever you found keep it to yourself," Cyril groaned. "Especially if it bites."

"**This** is what I found!" Krieger pointed to a door in the back. "It was wallpapered over and I opened it. I found another room! And what a room! Just make your way down these stairs?"

"Stairs?" Pam asked. "We're already underground!"

"How deep is this thing?" Ray blinked as he saw a long dark staircase.

"My basement has **another basement**?" Cheryl asked as they walked down. "Kind of redundant don't you think?"

"Big deal," Cyril groaned. "It's just another hole in the ground!"

"Oh yeah?" Krieger asked as he flipped a switch on the bottom. "Does a hole look like **this?**"

The underground chamber lit up. Before them was a short and wide marble stone staircase surrounded by columns and carvings. A large stone altar was on top of the stairs. Behind the altar was a golden throne covered in dust. In front of the staircase was a pit with several carvings on it. And all along the sides of the room were rows and rows of dolls on wooden shelves. Some in glass casings.

"Holy Psycho-Crypt Snacks!" Pam whistled.

"How the hell did your aunt get a **permit **for this?" Ray asked.

"She probably knew a guy," Cheryl shrugged.

"This is creepy with a capital Creep," Ron winced. "What's with all the dolls?"

"They're really old," Cyril looked at them. "Some of these have got to be porcelain. The rest look hand stitched."

"Some of those stitched ones look like black caricatures," Pam did a double take. "You know? Those really old-time racist ones?"

"Ugh. Some of these dolls are too racist and creepy even by Tunt standards," Cheryl winced.

"We can never tell Lana about this room," Cyril winced. "I wish I didn't know about this room."

"Forget the dolls!" Ron pointed. "Did nobody notice the sacrificial altar right there! And the pit?"

"It may not be a sacrificial altar," Krieger corrected.

"I think I see some kind of restraints on there!" Ron pointed.

Krieger went to investigate. "Oh yeah so there are. And an old rusted knife. With some dried blood. Yup, that's a sacrificial altar all right."

"So, **another one** of Cheryl's relatives is a murderer," Cyril groaned. "What a shock."

"I don't see any bodies in the pit," Krieger looked using his phone as a light. "Just a lot of ash. It's not that deep though. Oh wait, there's a burned skull. But it looks old."

"Well my aunt did say she inherited this house from her mother," Cheryl pointed out. "And she was a real whack job. Maybe this is hers? That would explain why my aunt sealed it off."

"Shame though," Ray shrugged. "It's a nice room. I mean besides the creepy dolls, the sacrificial altar and the pit."

"It is a real fixer upper isn't it?" Pam said.

"Are you saying nobody's weirded out that this Temple of the Dolls is in a mansion in Beverly Hills?" Ron asked.

"You don't know the Tunts, Ron," Pam said. "This isn't even in the top twenty of weird shit we've found in their homes."

"Like that one aunt with all those dead bodies stacked in those freezers," Ray groaned.

"Yup, just like popsicles," Pam said.

"Which **you** ate!" Ray snapped.

"They were in boxes covered in wrappers," Pam snapped. "And there was a small layer of frost between the box and the bodies. They were good."

"You were almost arrested for evidence tampering," Krieger said.

"Is it my fault that one guy's arm was stuck to the box?" Pam snapped.

"Hey look!" Krieger noticed the throne had a doll sitting on it. "There's another doll."

It was an old porcelain doll with what was once a white Victorian wedding dress, but stained grey with age. Its eyes were shut and it had a strange painted look on its face. "Yuk," Ray wrinkled his nose. "That thing makes Ms. Archer look lovable."

"Ug-leeee," Cheryl snickered. "We should burn it."

That was when the eyes opened. "YOU ARE CURRSSSEEED!" An unholy female voice cried out. "CUURRRESEED!"

"Tell us something we don't know," Cheryl scoffed. "Am I right?"

"AAAAHHHH!" An unholy scream came from the doll.

"Okay who's doing this?" Ron looked around. "Who's throwing their voice? Seriously! Not funny!"

"Well I ain't laughing so…" Ray gulped. "Oh, dear Sweet Jesus!"

"Of course, the doll is possessed by an evil ghost," Cyril moaned. "WHY NOT?"

"AAAAAAHHHH!" Pam gulped in terror.

"COOL!" Cheryl giggled. "My very own evil demon from Hell! BEST DAY EVER!"

"I knew it," Cyril backed away. "I **knew** either Krieger or that crazy bitch would get me killed one day! But both of them together…Yeah that's a twist I didn't see coming!"

"I'd think I'd like to see the door now," Ron gulped.

"HA! HA! HA! HA!" The doll laughed manically.

"Oohh **that's** why this room was sealed up," Krieger remarked. "Okay that makes sense! It was figuratively killing me trying to figure it out."

"WHY ARE WE NOT RUNNING AWAY?" Ron asked.

"Why aren't **you?**" Cyril shouted.

"I would but my feet are too scared!" Ron whimpered.

"I TOLD YOU!" Ray shouted. "I TOLD YOU GHOSTS WERE REAL!"

"Hang on! First of all!" The doll snapped. "I'm a **spirit**! Not a ghost! Get a clue!"

Krieger did a double take. "Aren't they the same thing?"

"Technically not," The doll said. "Ghosts can move on their own and aren't attached to a host. Spirits have to be attached to a host or a building. It's a minor distinction that most people don't know about. Common mistake."

"I did not know that," Cyril blinked.

"I am the spirit of Bellana…" The ghost said in a spooky voice. _"Fear me!"_

"Okay," Ray gulped.

"Wait," Cheryl realized. "As in my great, great, great, great Aunt Bellana Bellicose Tunt?"

"Yes," Bellana said.

"The one that went missing in the old days down in Savannah?" Cheryl asked.

"Yes, that's me…" Bellana told her. "Where was I…?"

"How did you end up in a **doll?**" Cheryl asked. "And in a really ugly one at that."

"It wasn't ugly when I bought it over a century ago!" Bellana snapped.

"I beg to differ," Ray remarked.

"RAY!" Cyril snapped.

"Well look at it!" Ray pointed. "That dress is tacky!"

"It was the fashion at the time!" Bellana snapped. "And you're one to talk, Mr. Michael Jackson wannabe!"

"HEY!" Ray snapped. "You wanna be starting something bitch?"

"RAY!" Ron shouted. "Don't antagonize the doll!"

"She **started **it!" Ray pointed.

"How did you end up in the doll?" Cheryl looked at the doll. "That is so weird!"

"Long story," Bellana sighed. "Short version, I was about to sacrifice a slave to the dark lords of chaos. But the slave got free and killed me instead and his voodoo priestess lover bound my soul to this doll for eternity as punishment."

"So…" Cheryl paused. "The same old, same old?"

"Pretty much yeah," Bellana groaned. "Now that I've got the backstory out of the way…. I'm going to curse you now. So…"

"Hang on!" Cheryl snapped. "Isn't this the part where you levitate or something?"

"Uh…" Bellana paused. "No…"

"Well how about creating a ring of fire around us?" Cheryl asked.

"CHERYL!" Ray shouted.

"I WANNA SEE A RING OF FIRE DAMN IT!" Cheryl shouted.

"WE'LL GIVE YOU ONE FOR YOUR NEXT BIRTHDAY!" Cyril shouted.

"Well maybe I don't **feel** like doing a ring of fire!" Bellana snapped.

"Why are we too good for you?" Ray asked.

"For crying out loud, Ray!" Ron shouted.

"Oh, I **get **it," Pam folded her arms. "Yeah. Guys we're totally fine."

"HOW IS **THIS **_FINE_?" Cyril pointed.

"Yeah it's just an evil doll from Hell," Ron snapped. "No problem!"

"Savannah!" Bellana corrected. "Although with the heat waves we get down there I can understand why you would be confused."

"I'm confused why we're not **running away**!" Ron snapped.

"It's a freaking **doll**, idiots!" Pam snapped. "Even a possessed one can't move on its own! This isn't a Toy Story movie!"

"SOMEBODY PUT ME IN A MENACING POSE RIGHT NOW!" Bellana screamed. "OR ELSE I WILL CURSE YOU PEOPLE THROUGHOUT ETERNITY!"

"Too late," Cyril sighed.

"Damn it," Bellana groaned. "I was hoping you hadn't figured it out."

"Please!" Krieger waved. "We knew this **years ago**."

"This isn't news to us," Ray agreed.

"So, you can't conjure up demons from Hell or anything like that?" Cheryl pouted. "Lame!"

"Can you at least get blood to pour from the walls?" Krieger asked.

"No," Bellana sighed.

"Lame," Krieger snorted. "Hang on…" Krieger took out his phone and started looking at it.

"Well what **can **you do?" Cheryl asked.

An unholy scream came from the doll. "_**YOU ARE CURSED!" **_

Everyone just stood there. _"And?"_ Pam asked. "That's **it?"**

"What a letdown," Krieger scoffed.

"I know right?" Ray groaned.

"Lana can scream louder than that," Cyril realized.

"And she's a lot more menacing," Cheryl added.

"Oh," Ron calmed down. "That's no big deal."

"Are you telling me that my screaming at you doesn't scare you **at all**?" Bellana snapped.

"We're used to it," Pam shrugged.

"So basically, all you can do is just sit there and shriek at us?" Cyril asked. "That's exactly what Ms. Archer does!"

"And she is way more dangerous than a stupid doll!" Cheryl agreed.

"Testify," Ron waved. "This thing isn't scary at all."

"Those Hollywood movies are pretty much made up bullshit, aren't they?" Pam asked, folding her arms.

"Pretty much," Bellana sighed. "Spirits trapped in dolls really can't do that much. I wish we could. I mean…If I had any **real **powers you think I'd have stayed trapped in this room for over **80 years**?"

"Huh," Cyril blinked. "That does make sense."

"If I had levitation powers or could conjure up demons," Bellana snapped. "I'd be in some doll shop in Paris by now! That would be a sweet life."

"Hang on," Ray realized something. "If you've been trapped in this room for over 80 years…"

"I'm a spirit. My soul may be trapped in this hunk of porcelain," Bellana explained. "But my mind is connected to the Astral Plane. Think of it as a combination of Fox News, CNN, Disneyworld and Facebook. Honestly I've lost a few decades of time scrolling around in there."

"In other words," Cheryl pouted. "My evil possessed doll doesn't work."

"Just like everyone else in my agency," Cyril quipped.

"What a bummer," Cheryl pouted. "**Not **the best day ever! Just another stupid boring dumb day."

"This is **boring** to you?" Ron did a double take. "Finding a possessed doll? What kind of lives do you people live?"

"You really don't want to know the answer to that question, Ron," Ray sighed. "The real question is what do we do with her?" He pointed to the doll.

"Forget about selling her," Cheryl waved. "Possessed dolls don't go for much on E-bay."

"All we have to do is just not come into this room anymore," Pam nodded.

"I am **not** living with a possessed doll!" Ray snapped. "Uh uh! No way! Forget it!"

"We don't have to," Krieger said. "I looked up how to deal with toys possessed by evil spirits online. There is a very ancient and old-fashioned ritual we can do to exorcise the spirit and send it onto the spirit realm."

"Really?" Cyril asked. "What do we have to do?"

Twenty minutes later…

"More tea?" Ray asked sweetly. The gang was upstairs having an imaginary tea party in the living room. Complete with a fancy tea set. Bellana was posed in a big fluffy chair.

"Why not?" Bellana sighed. "One for the road. I can't believe this is online!"

"Pretty much everything is online nowadays," Pam explained. She drank from the teacup holding out a pinky.

"Pam there's actual **tea** in your cup?" Cyril did a double take.

"Nope," Pam said. "Beer."

"Damn," Bellana said. "I wish I could drink liquids again."

"Give me a hit of that will you?" Krieger asked holding out his cup.

"I can see why this kind of exorcism isn't in the movies," Ron remarked.

"Let's just say us possessed toys don't exactly have the best reputation in the spirit world," Bellana sighed. "I do know one woman who possessed her husband's electric lawn mower! Ran over his foot and cut off his toes. Whoo-eee! Now that's some **real haunting** right there!"

"Uh huh," Krieger said. "Before we complete the ritual I gotta ask. Is there any unfinished business you need to take care of before we completely sever your ties with the mortal world and send you to the great beyond?"

"Well there was this one thing," Bellana remarked.

"What?" Cheryl asked.

"I was kind of hoping to land a three-picture deal with Paramount," Bellana admitted.

"Yeah, good luck with **that,**" Cheryl scoffed. "Let's just complete the ritual Ray."

"Okay," Ray shrugged. "You sure you don't want to do the honors?"

"Nah, I'm good," Cheryl waved. "I'll get the next one."

"With anybody but **you people**," Ron groaned. "I wouldn't think there would **be** a next one."

"Here we go," Ray held a cupcake and offered it to Bellana. Then he took a bite of the cupcake. "And that is that."

"Pretty interesting ritual," Cyril admitted.

"Is there one that would exorcise **you people**?" Ron asked.

"On the upside, at least I won't be gathering dust anymore," Bellana sighed. "Can I at least do one last shriek of terror before I go?"

"Go for it," Pam shrugged.

"Thanks," Bellana remarked. _**"EEEEAAAHHHH! YOU ARE ALL CURSED! AAAAAHHHHH!" **_The doll shook with a bright light for a second then fell on the floor.

"Again…" Ray remarked. "Nothing that we don't **already know!" **

"Bye Great Aunt Bellana!" Cheryl waved. "Have fun in Hell!"

"She's a Tunt," Cyril said. "Odds are she will."

"It's gone," Ray sighed. "But just to be on the safe side…Cheryl."

"I'm on it," Cheryl said.

Another twenty minutes later…

"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl laughed as she danced around a huge bonfire.

"Another day, another fire on the lawn," Ray remarked as the others watched.

"Why is that fire so big?" Ron asked. "She's only burning one doll!"

"Actually Ron, she's burning all the dolls that were down there," Cyril explained.

"Are those **other dolls** possessed?" Ron asked.

"Does it **matter?" **Pam asked.

"Yeah they're creepy as hell," Ray nodded.

"Besides," Pam pointed. "It makes Cheryl happy."

"We did promise her a fire," Cyril admitted.

"Promise kept! WHOO HOO!" Cheryl cheered.

FOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Krieger blinked at the huge spurt of flames. "Man. Children's toys were really flammable back in the old days, weren't they?"

"What do we do with that temple in the basement?" Pam asked.

"Well," Ray paused. "If we had some nice paint and clean it up. Put in some nice décor and some lights…It'll make a great rumpus room."

"Ooh!" Pam realized. "We could put in a disco ball and make that our disco room!"

"Love it!" Ray said.

"First thing we have to do is seal up that pit," Cyril said. "That's safety hazard right there."

"And that sacrificial altar has got to go," Pam added.

"Obviously," Ray nodded. "Ooh! I have some lovely decorating swatches! What do you think about Midnight Blue for the walls?"

"I like it," Krieger nodded. "I like it."

"Maybe we can repurpose that altar and move it?" Ray asked. "Turn it into a nice table? Get a lovely runner…"

"I'm going to run from this conversation and call my contractor," Ron groaned as he went for his phone. "To see if he can speed up the process of fixing my house!"

"Ask him if he does pit sealing!" Ray called out.


End file.
